she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
