bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
