Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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