...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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