i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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