..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize