There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
