I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
