i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
