Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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