I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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