When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
