Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
