If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
