I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
