One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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