I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
