My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
