Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
