my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
