Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
