I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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