Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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