I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
