Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
