Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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