Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
