I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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