Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
