I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
