fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
