I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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