well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
