Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So much rum. So many feels.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
