the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
