i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Pants are for mortals
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
