Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
