all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
