Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
