It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
