Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
