remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
