does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
