You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
