i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
