Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize