I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
