I cut my penus on the lid.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
