I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
