The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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