You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
