Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
