dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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