Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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