so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
