I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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