I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
