LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
