The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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