If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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