Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
