At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize